The Other Side

I will come out on the other side. It may not have seemed like it  last week when my Husband would leave, the kids would leave and I would have a debilitating panic attack each morning thinking something was going to happen to me.

I'm fearful. Although I know I should not be fearful of going to Heaven, at this point in my life, I am. I don't want to miss birthdays, ball games, graduations, weddings and small moments of hugs and "i love yous". I'm selfish. I want to be here for everything my kids do. I don't want to leave them without a Mother. How would they ever truly know how much their Mother loved them, cared for them and needed them. How would my Husband, my parents, my family and my friends know just how much I love them all. Coupled with physical feelings of head rushes and sweats, these above are the thoughts that send me into a tail spin every time.

Obviously my medication was no longer working. On Monday I had to up it. I don't want to be on any medication, but I don't have a choice right now. I can not live a daily life with the way I have felt.  I have called on the help of so many. Something I don't like to do. I have laid shaking in my Husband's arms. I have doubled over crying on my Mom's couch. I've went to get her just so she could stay with me at my house. I also started seeing a therapist... something I thought I would never do. "I'm stronger than that" I thought, but apparently I am not and that is ok! I'm hopeful.

Each day I feel a tiny bit better. I still have weird physical feelings but I will be tending to those with physical therapy and an MRI just to be certain. I will learn how to talk to myself to have those feelings subside. I may not have felt it last week but today I know that I will conquer and that is how I know that I will come out on the other side.

I ask for any prayers because I know the Good Lord will hear them.